Choose their misfortune.

One sock shall mysteriously become wet shortly after you put it on.

Your phone shall remain at 1% battery for an emotionally unreasonable amount of time.

Every 15-minute meeting shall last 57 minutes.

Your crush shall read your message immediately and reply four hours later with “haha”.

Every avocado shall transition directly from stone to rotten.

Every charger you find shall be almost compatible.

You will fart whenever an elevator becomes uncomfortably crowded.

You will confidently call someone by the wrong name immediately after being introduced.

Every handshake shall unexpectedly become either a fist bump or awkward half-hug.

You shall experience overwhelming confidence immediately before accidentally pressing Reply All.

Every story you tell shall conclude exactly one sentence after everyone stops listening.

Your strongest erections shall arrive exclusively at deeply inconvenient moments.

An itch shall appear exactly where your hand cannot reach.

Only one nostril may breathe freely at a time.

An eyelash will enter your eye but disappear whenever you try to find it.

You shall hiccup exactly when trying to sound serious.

Your video will buffer exclusively during the most important sentence.

Every password you invent has apparently already been used.

Your phone will connect instantly to every Bluetooth device except the one you want.

One smoke detector will begin chirping shortly after you get comfortable.

No lid shall match the container you currently need.

One grocery bag handle shall break three steps before reaching your door.

The remote shall always be approximately six feet farther away than expected.

Your food shall remain frozen in the center while achieving volcanic temperatures around the edges.

Your delivery order shall arrive without the fries.

Every taco shall crack from the bottom on the first bite.

Your coffee shall be too hot until the exact moment it becomes too cold.

You shall see “…typing” repeatedly. Nothing shall arrive.

Every algorithm shall suddenly believe you desperately need updates about your ex.

Everyone you like shall suddenly become “not really looking for anything serious”.

Your boss shall send “Quick question” at 4:57 PM on Friday.

Every unscheduled conversation shall somehow become a calendar invite.

You shall deliver the most important part of your presentation while muted.

The exact wrong browser tab shall be visible when screen sharing begins.

You shall receive the middle seat despite checking in early.

Your gate shall change immediately after you sit down.

Whichever security line you choose shall become the slowest.

Your suitcase shall arrive last.

Every door you confidently push shall require pulling.

Every puzzle shall be missing exactly one piece.

Your phone shall replace “thanks” with “thanos” in all professional correspondence.

Your printer shall request cyan ink before printing a black-and-white document.